A heartfelt letter

This letter was written sometime in 2004 by one of the Colliders. 🙂

Dear Heavenly Father,

For days I couldn’t feel your touch and love, for days I cried but I was numb. I even came back to my old days, did things that I promised you not to do any more, started to hurt myself again just because I wanted to know if I could feel anything, started to lose hope in this life again. I fell deeper and deeper into my dark days, because I couldnt feel anything any more. I used to be able to feel my hands clinging to your white robe, but this time, I lost my grip, my hands were searching for your robe, but there was nothing there. I am tired, I had been fighting this battle by myself, tried so hard to get what I wanted, tried so hard to go against your will. But everything seemed to be to no avail, so distant. I knew you would never leave me, but I just couldnt feel you, that is the thing.

But, thank you Lord, even though I was trying to rebel, you still love me every single day. I had been crying out to you, I wanted to be on fire again for you and you answered me. For you touched my heart again using little Danny, the one that I didnt expect at all to feel your love from. Everyone knew that he has behaviour problem, but on that day Lord, how amazing is your love for me, how great is your miracle. No one could expect little Danny to cling and show compassion to anyone, but he showed that to me that day, the day after I was hurting myself again. It was really such a miracle coming from little Danny. You know what I need best, Lord, you know that I was in my deepest pit again, and you do work in mysterious ways. I still felt a little numb but I could feel a little bit of your love coming from little Danny and the children at church. Even though it was just a little touch, it was a start. It did matter; it made my days so much better, kept me going for awhile until I saw them again. I know little Danny didnt realise what he did have comforted me a lot, he gave me a little spark again for this life. Amazing, Lord, how you used him to touch my heart. I feel loved and needed again, by him and by the little children. I can see how they cherish me and thats how you cherish me too.

I am sorry, Lord, for the bad things I have done for the past weeks. This flesh is rebelling, but you know my deepest heart desire, to see you face to face at the end of this short chaotic life. Help me and teach me, Father, to cherish my life, to cherish every little thing you give to me, to cherish everything I have. Lord, I still feel numb, but at least, my heart warms a bit. Help me too, Father, to come back to you. Even though there are times I want to hurt myself again, I know you still love me, you are there and watching with sorrow when I do it, but still you love me. I can feel your love again, my Heavenly Father. I cant see you but I can feel you watching me from above. I cannot promise I wont harm myself again, I am afraid that I will, this flesh is still strong, but Lord, let your love overpower my flesh, because I love you and the most beautiful thing is because you first love me.

I believe you want to show me that I’m still worthy and wanted in this life by using little Danny. If it was some other adult who makes me feel this way, I dont think it will help me a lot, either I will react with suspicion or I will cling to that person, be dependant especially if that person is the opposite sex. Instead, Father, you use little Danny with his innocence and childlike faith. He doesnt have to pretend that he likes me, he doesnt have to pretend that he’s happy with me, and I dont have to pretend and put up my wall. Who would have expected that I would feel your love from that little troublemaker? But if people just stop judging and have a real good look at his heart, people will notice that he’s just an ordinary kid who needs extra dose of loving. He has been rejected by so many people in his life because of his behaviour, that I believe make him even misbehaves, because he feels that no one loves him, he does those bad things to get attention without him realising it. But see how he reacted to my compassion? It’s such a wonderful thing to see coming out from little Danny. Such a handful yet beautiful little boy.

Anyway, I can see again how my life is so precious to you, Father. You try to interfere every time I want to harm myself even worse. You know every bit of me, you know that deep down I am so lost without you, deep down I don’t want to hurt myself because if I do, I won’t be seeing you. I won’t be spending my eternal life with you, sitting with you side by side, holding your hand; worshipping and singing you praises. Isnt that the most beautiful thing a mere human being can have? Being with our Heavenly Father..

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but you never give up on me. Now, day by day, I can feel more of your love, and today Father, I can feel your hand again touching my cheek and comforting me. I can see now that I’m like a raw pearl. Problems and circumstances will make me shine through the dirt and polish me till I become a beautiful pearl of you. Keep me strong, Father, till the end of my life because I want to see myself becoming that gorgeous pearl of you.

Thank you, Lord for loving me so much and keep interfering with my flesh ambitions, so that I can live according to your perfect will. For God will not harm me but give me a plan of hope and future.